This is a blog for my feels, thoughts, musings and anything else I find to write about.
I like reading, One Direction, Benedict Cumberbatch, singing, hockey, and spending time with my favourite people. I believe in God and I'm trying to live the best life I can for Him. I don't shy from confrontation, in fact, I run to it - if done properly, it is the best way to solve things. I have a list of books I've read and want to read, and I'm in love with the French language. I'm obsessed with Ireland - the UK and Greece tie for a close second. Sometimes I'd rather be part of a crowd in New York, sometimes I'd rather be in the middle of nowhere in Alaska. I'm overly proud to be Canadian, and I plan to travel across every inch of this beautiful country. I say eh and own a pet moose. I can't ever make up my mind, and I care way too much. I've been told I'm a better person than I consider myself to be, and stronger, too. And I'm working on being happy with myself.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
- Philippians 4:13
I can only pray that God knows what He’s doing.
You’re gonna wake up tomorrow, and you’re gonna get up in time. You’re gonna go to class, you’re gonna go to work, you’re gonna study your butt off and then you’re gonna go to bed at a decent hour.
You can do this.
I’m supposed to write down my thoughts in hopes that it will help.
I’m exhausted and even typing feelse like it’s taking a load out of me but here goes.
I’m exhausted, for starters. School is weighing me down. I don’t know what to do. Do I take a year off? I don’t want to work. I want to be normal, and be able to do this. Am I stronger than I think I am? I don’t know. How am I supposed to know?
I feel isolated. I’m at home, while everyone else is always together. K tells me she invites me whenever they’re hanging out but they hang out everyday and it’s unfair. even just the small hangouts. they’re all gonna be friends for life like they say you make in res, and then there’s me. i’m sick of it. I’m afraid i’ll never get over it. and nobody gets it. I swear, if one person says to me that “see, you survived without res!” i’m going to hit them. no word of a lie.
I wish this stuff wasn’t in my head. I feel dead most of the time. I hate saying that, that’s morbid. I don’t want to be dead, I’m pretty sure. I’m trying to believe that I have a huge life ahead of me, but my faith in God and the life He has planned for me is slowly dwindling. I don’t know what to do. Help.
I also hate that by saying those ^ things I’m afraid God’s gonna make me die because I’ve thought before that I wish I was dead. It scares me, because I don’t want to think the wrong thing and have consequences for it. Is that how it works? I’m terrified, and I don’t know God’s system or how it works.
The Devil’s got me, and he’s got me terrified. I’m so scared. I’m shaking.
I feel lost. Last year was so good, I didn’t feel lost. I wasn’t great, but I didn’t feel lost. Now I’m lost. What am I doing with my life? What’s the point of being in school? I have no friends that are in any courses related to mine. I want to cry.
I don’t feel alive, ever. I honestly can’t remember when the last time was that I felt alive. For fuck’s (sorry, God…) sake, will it ever end? I can’t sleep. I’ve tried. But I can’t. between school work and just general overwhelming thoughts, I can’t sleep. I feel like I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over 3 years. I’m pretty sure that’s correct, too. I honestly don’t think I have.
I feel like when I say these things, people think I’m exaggerating or they think I’m just joking around. When they laugh, even light-heartedly, it makes me so mad. Do they not get how upset I am? Nobody sees the dark cloud all around me that I feel.
Fuck, that is so depressing. I don’t WANT TO BE A FLIPPING BLACK CLOUD I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND LAUGHING AND I HAT ETHIS. I HATE THIS SO MUCH SDUFHIAJODSAOSD
time is slipping away from me, too.
How is it December?
Christmas is my favourite time of year, and I just feel depressed.
Okay fuck, L. Calm the fuck down. You have to. The only way out of this is through it, right?
1. Focus on school, sleep, and studying. After next week, you’re done school for three weeks. But then I have to work all Christmas. UGHSDUHFIASUGH UGH UGH UGH
2. calm the fuck down
3. enjoy the simple things. your family loves you, that’s enough. and God does, even though you feel like that’s not right at all.
4. you will work things out. take it one day at a time. make a routine:
making the playlists made me feel a bit better.
i just need to breathe.
life sucks, but things and people in it don’t always have to.
help me out here, God.
/canadian girl out
I always wonder how you saw things. Did it hurt? Does it hurt seeing us forget you?
I feel sick.
I dreamt about A last night. I’m in pain just thinking about it.
He was in a hospital room by himself, pretty much locked in.
I should have written this down sooner, I’m starting to forget.
He was alone, and I was just down the hall, but I never visited. How crazy relative is that to my actual life. He’s there in my mind, but when do I ever take the time think about him?
You know how in dreams, you can feel other people’s emotions? Well, I could feel how sad he was. Nobody visited him, and when I finally did, he was almost bitter. And I don’t blame him.
I’m so sorry, A. I wish you were here. I hate that life is moving on. And, mind you, it’s moving way too fast. like a freight train at the speed of light. It makes me sick.
I just want it all to stop. Time is ticking faster and faster, and with each second that passes, it’s one more second further from you. This is so cliche, but can we just rewind? Or slow down?
It’s all too fast, and I still haven’t dealt with you being gone. I need time to deal with it and I cant. Because life won’t stop. And it’s pissing me off to no end.
I’m lost and confused and just need things to slow down. Please.
everything needs to just fucking slow down.
I’m so sick of meeting new people and moving on with my life and going through new, different stages because with each new stage and with each new friend or person, it’s someone else who didn’t know him, or hasn’t heard about him, and I just want to tell everybody that a huge piece of me is missing now and yell out that I’m not okay. Some people know about him, but they never talk about it. With each new person I meet, it’s one more person who it feels awkward to talk about it with. There’s no one to talk about him with. He keeps being pushed farther and farther back, to the point where there are some days that I don\t even think about him at all now. I hate it, I hate myself, I hate not being able to talk about him to anyone. How can life be going on? I say that so often, but I really don’t get it, not one bit. I feel like my heart is being pulled out of my chest.
Cute guy who gave me hopes for guys left today. Pretty sure he’s still with the girl who is complete opposite from him and isn’t nice at all - she’s so condescending it hurts.
Jackass apologized and now we’re hanging out tomorrow.
Confused. Terrified. Nauseous.
Don’t know what I need.
Don’t know how to have faith and believe anymore.
Want to give up.